So....I have determined that I have a trust issue. Can you really blame me after the only two serious relationships that I had and the cheaters that they turned out to be? I don't blame me. But how can I let my past control my future? It is what I do, though. Right now I am sitting here a bit irritated because he is going out tonight with the one friend that I wish he didn't go out with. AT ALL! And it's not her fault. It's not even so much his fault. It's THEIR fault. And now I have to find a way to get past it. Who cares if maybe once he thought he was attracted to her. Who care if he is still attracted to her? I have people that I am attracted to, don't I? YES! But he doesn't seem to let it bother him. So why then do I have to let it bother me? Maybe because of the way he presented it...."Hey I was invited to go out." Sounds a lot like another incident a long while back..."Hey I am going to go over to a friends house later tonight." It wasn't, "Hey BobbieJo invited me to..." nor was it, "Hey Mr Man wants to know..." Nope. There was no name given. I automatically knew who did the inviting. Maybe if he had just said, "So and So invited me here tonight." But nooooo he thinks that by not saying it makes it ok. Like I won't get as upset. Well, guess what. There have beenso many times before that I have heard, I am going with a friend....and it turns out to be "I am actually fucking a friend" that it is hard for me to get past. And like I said, I know its not his fault. I know its my deal. But being with me should make it part of his deal, also. Why hide it? Why not just say what it is? Why not just realize that I am very insecure sometimes for no reason at all and just work with me on that. I know it sucks but apparently it is not something that I am going to be changing too soon. SORRY!
And its not all that. Tomorrow I will have an 11 year old that I have not seen since he was 3 days old. That is tough. For some reason I am very upset by that this year. I knew what giving him up meant. I still know. And I know that he is in an awesome family. And I know lots of things about him. But it is not the same as knowing HIM. And this year it hurts. I wish I knew why some years are easier than others. Maybe because I am not so busy this year. Maybe because I have a beautiful little girl who will be three who has an older brother out there somewhere. Will she ever get to know him? Do I tell her she has a brother? How do I handle that. I don't want it to be some shock when she's grown and it ever comes up. It's not like I hide it. We just don't really talk about it around here. I am not even sure if ppl in my life now know that I will have an 11 year old. Or that it is this weekend. I know that some people do. Those that are the closest to me and have known me since that time know that it has been that long even though it does not seem that it has been that long.
On top of that, the very next day my grandmother has been gone from my life for two years. That is sometimes even harder to deal with than anything else. I think of her almost every day. I was going to go to her grave site while I was at home, but I did not. I don't know that I am ready to deal with that yet. I do not handle those kinds of things very well at all. The only time I have been to my great aunt and great grandmother's grave sites were when someone else was getting buried next to them. And then I have issues because they set the whole thing up on top of their grave. I think that is disrespectful. I don't think that you should walk over people after they have died. I don't know where I would have everyone sit at the graveside service if not on top of the other graves, but that is not for me to decide. I just choose not to sit there.
And then, to add to everything else, I am still without a job. I know it is not the end of the world at all. And I am sure that a better job is out there. But I would like that better job to make itself known very soon. I DO have bills to pay and I do not have anyone to pay them for me. I don't run to mommy and daddy like my siblings do. I don't depend on my boyfriend to take care of it all...he has the bills to pay for the house. And I don't want to just go get SOME job. I was a manager at a very successful retail electronics company for 7 years...that's got to be worth something!!!!!
Ok....I am done for now. You are all caught up on what is going on in my head. I am sure it is a bit overwhelming....but so is my life at times.