Wow...what about that last post. A little bit out there. If I do say so myself. And since I said it...and I wrote it...and its about me...then I guess its okay. :-)
So, I made it through the weekend and the last couple days. Lets start with Sunday. After he got home at TWO IN THE MORNING and TOOK A SHOWER FIRST THING AFTER GETTING HOME I was a little bothered. Not to mention I had been woken up by him getting in the shower. So, when he came out and laid down I asked him how was the concert. "Good." I laid there for a while and then had to say, "Next time just tell me who you're going with as opposed to trying to hide it." His response was that he was not trying to hide it, he just knows how much I don't like her. To which I had to respond, "It's not that I don't like her. She's fine. I don't like YOU hanging out WITH her. It bothers me." I explained the whole anonymous things that previous men in my life have tried to use when they were being sneaky. I also said that I realize he is neither one of those people but that we are creatures of habit and that habit is hard to break. I told him that it sounded a lot like last year when he went to "a friends house for a party" which turned out to be a whooooooole bunch of drama within itself. If he had told me the friend from the very beginning then it would have eliminated a lot of heartache on my part. When it was all done we fell asleep with him holding me and saying that he would do better. And when he says that, he usually means it and he usually does very well.
Monday...I did well. I made it through, at least. I talked to Benjamin the night before about the birthday of our son. We both are bothered that the things that were promised to us did not happen. Pierce was supposed to know that he was adopted. We were supposed to get pictures. We were not expecting to be involved in his life or anything, but we expected to be kept in the know, which did not happen after the first year. We were given a photo album with a couple pictures from each of his first twelve months. It is difficult for us to wade through some of the feelings. Our daughters share a half brother. He is 8 years older than them. That is the age difference between Benjamin and his younger brother. We both hope that one day our girls will get to meet their brother. Even if it does not happen for years. I just hope that he is not angry with us. We did what we had to do at the time. I was not ready to be a mother at 16. I would not have been a fit mother at the age of 16. I barely think I am a fit mother now sometimes. But I am getting there.
Tuesday, today. CHECK. I made it through. I did not focus too much on what the day was. I know what it was. But...it was easier this year. Maybe because I think so much about my Nanau. She is never very far from my thoughts. Just as in life, she was never very far. We were very close. I think that she definitely helped me to develop into the young woman that I am now. She was always there when I needed to talk. Even talk abut things that you are not supposed to talk to grandmothers about...I talked to her about everything. She knows what I went though after Benjamin and I broke up. She knows the decisions I made with the relationships after that. All the way to the wonderful man I am with now. Sometimes her response would be, "Well, it's not for me...but if you are happy, then I will be happy for you." She was so very non-judgmental with me. I think I needed that back then. I think that we all need that at some point in our lives. I just hope that she knows, wherever she is, how much I love her and miss her. And more importantly, how much I appreciate everything she ever did for me. :-)
Well....it is waaaaaaaaaaaay past my bedtime, so I am signing off. Thanks for listening, errr reading. :-)