Love Love Love

I love my wife, my kiddo, our dog, and most of all...MY LIFE! I couldn't ask for anything more than what I already have. I get to spend time with those that love me, while doing the things that I love!!!

8.13.2008

Job Hunting sucks

So...apparently there is something horribly wrong with me. I can not find a job. Not for the life of me, apparently. I have sent my resume out to over a hundred places, NO JOKE, and I have only gotten two call backs. Both of those call backs were from staffing agencies. And I can't get anything that way. You would think that using three different major job sites and two staffing agencies that I would be able to get a job. I mean, I did work at the same job for 9 years. I WAS a manager for 6 of those years. I did get promoted to management within my first two years. So, am I a leper? Have I been blacklisted? Why can't I get a new job? I am so bummed. I don't want to have to go back to retail. I really don't. I will if I have to, but I just really really REALLY don't want to. :-(

8.07.2008

TOO grown TOO soon

Lorelli is growing up waaaaay too fast. Today proved just that. Normally, bedtime is not a problem. Tonight was no exception. But tonight went waaaaay smoother (more smooth) than I expected. She had not taken a nap all day so I wanted to get her in bed early. When I gave her the dinner that she asked for, pizza of course, she ate one tiny slice and then propped her head in her hands as if she were a high school student sitting in history class. So I told her that she needed to go upstairs and get herself a pamper (which she has not worn in over a month, but she has peepeed in the bed the last two nights), some jammies, and her night night spray (the lavender baby cologne from Johnson&Johnson). Well, she failed to get jammies and decided she wanted to sleep in her naked. Whatever. I don't think its something worth fighting over when she's that tired. Then I told her she needed to go upstairs, get in bed, under the covers, and go to sleep. Twenty minutes later I went to check on her, expecting to find her sitting in the bed playing with her babies. To my shock, she was laying in the bed, sucking her fingers, under the covers, FAST ASLEEP!!!! Can you believe it? She was so tired she didn't even ask me to come up and put her to bed. Normally, I have to go upstairs with her and put her in the bed, hug and kiss her, tell her don't let the bed bugs bite, pull the door shut, and THEN she goes to sleep. Nope. Not tonight. My little baby is growing up. I guess I had to see it coming. Naptimes have become as simple as tonights bedtime was. I just tell her to go upstairs and take a nap and she does it. I didn't expect bedtimes to be so easy, so soon. It is sad. And it is awesome. It is both. I just had to share it with you guys.

8.06.2008

How'd I do

Wow...what about that last post. A little bit out there. If I do say so myself. And since I said it...and I wrote it...and its about me...then I guess its okay. :-)

So, I made it through the weekend and the last couple days. Lets start with Sunday. After he got home at TWO IN THE MORNING and TOOK A SHOWER FIRST THING AFTER GETTING HOME I was a little bothered. Not to mention I had been woken up by him getting in the shower. So, when he came out and laid down I asked him how was the concert. "Good." I laid there for a while and then had to say, "Next time just tell me who you're going with as opposed to trying to hide it." His response was that he was not trying to hide it, he just knows how much I don't like her. To which I had to respond, "It's not that I don't like her. She's fine. I don't like YOU hanging out WITH her. It bothers me." I explained the whole anonymous things that previous men in my life have tried to use when they were being sneaky. I also said that I realize he is neither one of those people but that we are creatures of habit and that habit is hard to break. I told him that it sounded a lot like last year when he went to "a friends house for a party" which turned out to be a whooooooole bunch of drama within itself. If he had told me the friend from the very beginning then it would have eliminated a lot of heartache on my part. When it was all done we fell asleep with him holding me and saying that he would do better. And when he says that, he usually means it and he usually does very well.

Monday...I did well. I made it through, at least. I talked to Benjamin the night before about the birthday of our son. We both are bothered that the things that were promised to us did not happen. Pierce was supposed to know that he was adopted. We were supposed to get pictures. We were not expecting to be involved in his life or anything, but we expected to be kept in the know, which did not happen after the first year. We were given a photo album with a couple pictures from each of his first twelve months. It is difficult for us to wade through some of the feelings. Our daughters share a half brother. He is 8 years older than them. That is the age difference between Benjamin and his younger brother. We both hope that one day our girls will get to meet their brother. Even if it does not happen for years. I just hope that he is not angry with us. We did what we had to do at the time. I was not ready to be a mother at 16. I would not have been a fit mother at the age of 16. I barely think I am a fit mother now sometimes. But I am getting there.

Tuesday, today. CHECK. I made it through. I did not focus too much on what the day was. I know what it was. But...it was easier this year. Maybe because I think so much about my Nanau. She is never very far from my thoughts. Just as in life, she was never very far. We were very close. I think that she definitely helped me to develop into the young woman that I am now. She was always there when I needed to talk. Even talk abut things that you are not supposed to talk to grandmothers about...I talked to her about everything. She knows what I went though after Benjamin and I broke up. She knows the decisions I made with the relationships after that. All the way to the wonderful man I am with now. Sometimes her response would be, "Well, it's not for me...but if you are happy, then I will be happy for you." She was so very non-judgmental with me. I think I needed that back then. I think that we all need that at some point in our lives. I just hope that she knows, wherever she is, how much I love her and miss her. And more importantly, how much I appreciate everything she ever did for me. :-)

Well....it is waaaaaaaaaaaay past my bedtime, so I am signing off. Thanks for listening, errr reading. :-)

8.03.2008

Current

So....I have determined that I have a trust issue. Can you really blame me after the only two serious relationships that I had and the cheaters that they turned out to be? I don't blame me. But how can I let my past control my future? It is what I do, though. Right now I am sitting here a bit irritated because he is going out tonight with the one friend that I wish he didn't go out with. AT ALL! And it's not her fault. It's not even so much his fault. It's THEIR fault. And now I have to find a way to get past it. Who cares if maybe once he thought he was attracted to her. Who care if he is still attracted to her? I have people that I am attracted to, don't I? YES! But he doesn't seem to let it bother him. So why then do I have to let it bother me? Maybe because of the way he presented it...."Hey I was invited to go out." Sounds a lot like another incident a long while back..."Hey I am going to go over to a friends house later tonight." It wasn't, "Hey BobbieJo invited me to..." nor was it, "Hey Mr Man wants to know..." Nope. There was no name given. I automatically knew who did the inviting. Maybe if he had just said, "So and So invited me here tonight." But nooooo he thinks that by not saying it makes it ok. Like I won't get as upset. Well, guess what. There have beenso many times before that I have heard, I am going with a friend....and it turns out to be "I am actually fucking a friend" that it is hard for me to get past. And like I said, I know its not his fault. I know its my deal. But being with me should make it part of his deal, also. Why hide it? Why not just say what it is? Why not just realize that I am very insecure sometimes for no reason at all and just work with me on that. I know it sucks but apparently it is not something that I am going to be changing too soon. SORRY!

And its not all that. Tomorrow I will have an 11 year old that I have not seen since he was 3 days old. That is tough. For some reason I am very upset by that this year. I knew what giving him up meant. I still know. And I know that he is in an awesome family. And I know lots of things about him. But it is not the same as knowing HIM. And this year it hurts. I wish I knew why some years are easier than others. Maybe because I am not so busy this year. Maybe because I have a beautiful little girl who will be three who has an older brother out there somewhere. Will she ever get to know him? Do I tell her she has a brother? How do I handle that. I don't want it to be some shock when she's grown and it ever comes up. It's not like I hide it. We just don't really talk about it around here. I am not even sure if ppl in my life now know that I will have an 11 year old. Or that it is this weekend. I know that some people do. Those that are the closest to me and have known me since that time know that it has been that long even though it does not seem that it has been that long.

On top of that, the very next day my grandmother has been gone from my life for two years. That is sometimes even harder to deal with than anything else. I think of her almost every day. I was going to go to her grave site while I was at home, but I did not. I don't know that I am ready to deal with that yet. I do not handle those kinds of things very well at all. The only time I have been to my great aunt and great grandmother's grave sites were when someone else was getting buried next to them. And then I have issues because they set the whole thing up on top of their grave. I think that is disrespectful. I don't think that you should walk over people after they have died. I don't know where I would have everyone sit at the graveside service if not on top of the other graves, but that is not for me to decide. I just choose not to sit there.

And then, to add to everything else, I am still without a job. I know it is not the end of the world at all. And I am sure that a better job is out there. But I would like that better job to make itself known very soon. I DO have bills to pay and I do not have anyone to pay them for me. I don't run to mommy and daddy like my siblings do. I don't depend on my boyfriend to take care of it all...he has the bills to pay for the house. And I don't want to just go get SOME job. I was a manager at a very successful retail electronics company for 7 years...that's got to be worth something!!!!!

Ok....I am done for now. You are all caught up on what is going on in my head. I am sure it is a bit overwhelming....but so is my life at times.