Sometimes I get irritable fo no reason. And other tims I get irritable because I am emotionlly overloaded. And then other tmes its all hormones. And then other times I have substantial reason to get irritated. But mostly, with me, its because I get emotionally overloaded and I don't know how else to deal with my emotions properly. I know, you're supposed to learn ho to compartmentalize and all that when you're younger, but I suck at it. So this week....on top of having a bit of an emotional overload...I am sick. And if you know me then you know I am a whiny butt when I am sick. I rearrranged my whole living room the other night because I wanted to lay on Robs lap and go to sleep while he was playing his game. Now...back to me being irritable...My poor baby caught the brunt of it the other night. She was whiny and I was sick and whiny and those two do not mesh well together at all. But, I tried to keep my cool and keep saying over to myself over and over "its not her fault - you're just sick and irritable." Thankfully bedtime came, albeit a little earlier tha normal for her, and I was done.
As for the emotional overoad part...I had a long conversation with an "ex" of mine. It started because I had a dream about them and then I dreamed about telling them I had dreamt of them. It was all very intense in my mind. From there ensued a very deep ACTUAL conversation about how we missed each other's conversation and friendship. I said how important they had been in my life at the time even though they were still in love with their ex. There was a lot of soul baring and heart sharing, if that makes sene. Things we had not been able to say to each other when the emotions ran so deep were finally able to be verbalized. It felt nice to get it out in the open. no longer feel as if I am keeping that part of my life bottled up to look at later. I finally asked what I had meant in their life...to which I got the response "its hard to say." After a brief explnation of sorts I ased the question that had been buring in my heart and mind and soul fr more than 2 years..."Did you love me?" To which I got a very adamant, "Yes." I now feel as if we can get past this and find our way back to friendship once more. This person was once a huge part of my life. The one who held me and comforted me when my grandmother was soooo sick. This person became a close friend, then a coser friend, then somehow a person I loved. Someone who forced me to look at myself through other's eyes and see how strong I was and what a beautiful (inside and out) woman I could be. I am eternally grateful for that and I hopethat we can move forward and find our way back to friendship.
Now, you may be wondering about my current relationship since I just took 5 years to describe a past relationship. But do not worry...my current relationship is very strong. I am very happy. And for that matter, I am happy just BEING HAPPY. Rob treats me well. He is a wonderful guy. He has thus far shown himself NOT to be a cheater, which is important in my world and has not been a strong point of the other men in my life. Yes I get irritated...but I still am educating him in the ways of affection. He is slowly but surey catching on. Very slowly. An I do not understand the need to go out every Friay and drink and be loud and stuff with THE BOYS...but maybe that is not for me to understand and it is only for me to accept. So, I am slowly but surely accepting it. Very slowly. :) But despite that, or maybe because of it....we are learning to be a strong couple. Now, do want to get married? No. Do I want to have babies? No. But do I want to go somewhere else? NO! Like I said, I am happy....and that makes me happy.