Love Love Love

I love my wife, my kiddo, our dog, and most of all...MY LIFE! I couldn't ask for anything more than what I already have. I get to spend time with those that love me, while doing the things that I love!!!

8.24.2009

Broken Pieces of Me

Well, I am still here in case you were wondering. (And I know that you all were. Right? *Cricket Cricket*)

I am going through some rough personal stuff right now. We are not getting the house, unfortunately. And we have decided to take a step back from one another for a while. Actually, that's a lie. He decided we should take a step backwards for a while. We are no longer going to live together. I am going to move in with my daughter's father. And he is going to go stay with some bachelor friends for a while. Whether this is a short term thing or a long term thing, is unclear yet.

I have cried. I have smiled. I have screamed. I have laughed. I have slept. And all that in the last 12 hours or so.

But seriously, my heart was/is broken a little. I want to believe what he says. I want to trust that he has let the stress of becoming a "family" and trying to buy a house and me taking a job that pays 50% less than I was making previously and his stress at work get in the way of the relationship that he wants to have with me/us. He wants us to take a step backwards so that he can miss me again. So that he can remember what it is like without me there.

I can only hope that his words and actions are true. I can only hope that this time apart will allow him the time to deal with whatever he has going on and is thinking/wondering/worrying. And that he will find his way back to the point in our relationship that he is looking for.

This time apart is good for me, also. As you may or may not know, I have MAJOR issues with marriage and commitment. As a good friend told me yesterday, "SERIOUSLY: address your fears with him." He knows what my past relationships have done to me and how hard it is for me to trust and to not hold him responsible for the actions that others have committed against me.

So, now you all know that I am ok. That I am not gone. And that I am persevering through all of this. I can only pray that what I want is also what HE wants for me.

As a side note, I have re-started my workouts after being away from them for several weeks. I had gained back 2.5 pounds and I have RE-lost that 2.5 pounds. That means, that I am at a total loss of 15 pounds, still. I will be continuing on from here and steadily losing the weight and size that I have been working on since June 15. I am still determined to become a happier healthier me. I still believe that I can and will do this. I will be updating my measurements next week, even though I doubt that they have made much improvement this month because I have not been focused on my working out. I will also be doing another weigh-in tomorrow. Here is what I am looking like right now. Not the best picture or quality - but whatever.

As another side note, I love you guys. You are so supportive. Whether it is a text, or a tweet, or a quick blog note, or a FB post, you guys have been there for me for the last couple days while I try and wade through this emotional cess pool. I really appreciate it. I have definitely felt the love and support from all of my friends. Oline or IRL. You guys rock my socks off!

8 comments:

Drahdrah said...

*HUGS*.. hang in there, I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your baby girl.

Toby E. said...

All I have for you is love and many, many thoughts and prayers sent your way.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Sometimes time apart is the absolute BEST way to make you realize just how important someone is in your life. And even if not, the trial separation eases the blow of the "final break" a bit.

I'm always rooting for you Charisse!!!

Heather said...

You can do all of this...and we'll still be here supporting! :) Deep breaths!

LBDDiaries said...

All I can say about him is raspberries! He apparently doesn't know what you are worth - millions & millions, baby!! Here's hoping he gets his head clear but even if he doesnt, YOU have and that is all that is important. YOU taking care of YOU and baby girl. If he waits too doggoned long, you may not be there when he thinks he should come back. Go live the best life possible with or without him. He isn't your whole life's happiness anyway - just a part of it... and who knows? You may decide he just ain't worth it.

iamthatmommy said...

Ah, I hate that you're going through this, dearie. I know how much it hurts. HUGZ.

Em said...

What a crappy few weeks. I hope everything calms down for you. *hugs* That you're even able to work out, amazes me. Maybe you can channel all the anger and frustration into working out. It's a great way to exorcise/ exercise the demons. You look great though. I can see a difference from the last photo you posted and this one. Chin up buttercup, either he comes to his sense or he doesn't, it doesn't make you any less powerful.

The Spiteful Chef said...

Men are rough business. I told you on Facebook, but it seemed like an inappropriate forum after I finished posting (sorry!). Anyway, a) you look great. And I'm proud of you for getting back on the workout horse. Not for weight loss, but because I can speak from genuine experience that exercise is the fastest, most effective, healthiest way to get through relationship "rough spots". Starting to run, even though I could barely walk quickly at first, was how I stopped smoking/abusing pain meds/living with a guy who wasn't worth my time. Something about the endorphins and the distraction just fixes everything. And b) you're funny and smart and adorable, and like attracts like--sometimes it just takes a while for the universe to catch up with you and give you what you deserve.