Well, I am still here in case you were wondering. (And I know that you all were. Right? *Cricket Cricket*)
I am going through some rough personal stuff right now. We are not getting the house, unfortunately. And we have decided to take a step back from one another for a while. Actually, that's a lie. He decided we should take a step backwards for a while. We are no longer going to live together. I am going to move in with my daughter's father. And he is going to go stay with some bachelor friends for a while. Whether this is a short term thing or a long term thing, is unclear yet.
I have cried. I have smiled. I have screamed. I have laughed. I have slept. And all that in the last 12 hours or so.
But seriously, my heart was/is broken a little. I want to believe what he says. I want to trust that he has let the stress of becoming a "family" and trying to buy a house and me taking a job that pays 50% less than I was making previously and his stress at work get in the way of the relationship that he wants to have with me/us. He wants us to take a step backwards so that he can miss me again. So that he can remember what it is like without me there.
I can only hope that his words and actions are true. I can only hope that this time apart will allow him the time to deal with whatever he has going on and is thinking/wondering/worrying. And that he will find his way back to the point in our relationship that he is looking for.
This time apart is good for me, also. As you may or may not know, I have MAJOR issues with marriage and commitment. As a good friend told me yesterday, "SERIOUSLY: address your fears with him." He knows what my past relationships have done to me and how hard it is for me to trust and to not hold him responsible for the actions that others have committed against me.
So, now you all know that I am ok. That I am not gone. And that I am persevering through all of this. I can only pray that what I want is also what HE wants for me.
As a side note, I have re-started my workouts after being away from them for several weeks. I had gained back 2.5 pounds and I have RE-lost that 2.5 pounds. That means, that I am at a total loss of 15 pounds, still. I will be continuing on from here and steadily losing the weight and size that I have been working on since June 15. I am still determined to become a happier healthier me. I still believe that I can and will do this. I will be updating my measurements next week, even though I doubt that they have made much improvement this month because I have not been focused on my working out. I will also be doing another weigh-in tomorrow. Here is what I am looking like right now. Not the best picture or quality - but whatever.
As another side note, I love you guys. You are so supportive. Whether it is a text, or a tweet, or a quick blog note, or a FB post, you guys have been there for me for the last couple days while I try and wade through this emotional cess pool. I really appreciate it. I have definitely felt the love and support from all of my friends. Oline or IRL. You guys rock my socks off!