So, when we last saw our Princess she was getting ready to go to the ball to meet her Prince Charming. Okay, that's not quite where we left off...but close enough. After waking up at 6:45 in the morning on Sunday, for no reason other than the fact that I had gone to sleep at approx 8:15 the night before, I finally got in the shower and started to get ready for my breakfast date with the boyfriend. When he called at 9am I already had my hair done, bra on, and was just waiting for him to call to finish getting ready, even though it was getting awful late. Unfortunately, he was calling to ask if we could possibly reschedule for a dinner/lunch date later that night because was running late. I said, "of course."
Lorelli and AD and I spent the rest of the day cleaning the apartment. It now looks like one cohesive apartment, as opposed to HIS apartment and MY shyte everywhere. We (I) cleaned out the dresser of all of Lorelli's old clothes (all the way down to 24 month items) so that her daddy could start using his dresser again. I did this with my own motives in mind, actually. Not just to be kind. But if his dresser is cleared out he can get some of his stuff out of the closet so that I can get more of my stuff IN the closet. :-) I organized the bathroom under the sink since there is only one cabinet and no drawers. We consolidated Lorelli's toys and books into one place, as opposed to all over the place. And we vacuumed and mopped and scrubbed and sprayed. I feel so much better being there now. He has basically given up his room and bed, also to Lorelli and me. I think I would sleep better on the pull out couch, though, considering if I slept out there I would not have 4 year old feet on me all night. But, I think that the three of us are making the transition pretty well to living together in a 1 bedroom apartment for the time being. The lease will be up at the end of next month and we will be moving into a 2 bedroom with an office and will all have our own separate spaces. I can not wait. Right now I feel kinda bad because he is in the living room. But, we are both making sacrifices to make this easier on her. And regarding her...she is loving it. Having both of us in the same house, you can already tell a difference in her attitude. She is still trying to push the boundaries a little bit because Daddy had totally different rules, or lack thereof I should say, than Mommy does. But, he has been good about backing me up and enforcing my rules.
So, my dinner date...I was so nervous. I must have changed clothes like 4 times. AD was laughing at me unabashedly. Every time I changed he would say something like, "What was wrong? Why'd you change?" I felt so silly for being nervous to go meet my boyfriend of three years who has seen me in a multitude of different states of dress and undress. But whatever. It is not my place to question my own sanity. I picked him up at work and we went to a little Chinese buffet. We had sub par food but pretty good conversation. He asked me what I was doing on Labor Day, to which I replied nothing since I was off. Then...THEN...he asked me if I wanted to come over that night after he got off work and stay the night and spend Monday with him. I told him I would think about it. I couldn't just JUMP at the chance to finally get to spend time with my boyfriend who actually was initiating the contact. I, of course, told him yes I would meet him up at work when he got off and then follow him to his new place of residence. It was soooo hard not to do a little dance on the way to the car. A happy dance, of course. But I resisted the urge. Until I got home. And got out of the car. To which I totally did the Punky Brewster dance in the middle of the parking lot. But who cares. I don't know those people anyway!!
Sunday night was nice. Finally falling asleep in his arms again. Since this is a fairly G rated blog I will say that we got home around 945 and were in bed by 10 and were asleep by 11. Some necessities were totally attended to before falling asleep, though. I am just saying. Monday was a day of driving all around Atlanta which kinda sucked. But we just kinda enjoyed a beautiful day out and about. We had breakfast/lunch (but not brunch) in Atlantic Station. We went shopping at Ikea. We watched Brangelina in Mr & Mrs Smith. We lounged about on the bed. We showered together (that is fairly G rated, right?). basically, we just enjoyed each others company. What we did not do was discuss the situation at hand. We did not talk about the hard stuff. We did not try and understand what was going on with the other one. I finally left around 9pm on Monday night since I had to go to work on Tuesday. I was hoping to "attend to business" before I left, but it just didn't happen. Oh well. Such is life.
After I got home Monday night and spent some time with my daughter and unloaded my SCANDALOUS overnight bag, I called him to let him know I was home. Thus ensued the DEEP conversation that had been hanging over us for two weeks. It was good. And calm. With no tearful outbursts. No yelling. And, I believe, no hurt feelings. Talk about an accomplishment. I realized, and asked him to confirm, that he was/is scared to have about having a family, acting as a father to Lorelli, and having any kind of future family. He is afraid of failure. He feels he failed us by not getting the house. He is scared to be the main provider and financial supporter of our little family. And he needs some time to sort out his own thoughts and emotions and get rid of this fear before he is ready to live with us again. He wants us very much. But he is scared to fail us or let us down. I asked him if he was scared to be Lorelli's father figure or just a father in general because I know that Lorelli is a handful sometimes (BELIEVE ME, I KNOW) and that being a parent is scary. But I needed to know if he was scared of raising someone else's daughter as his own or if he was just scared in general. Remember, this is the man who six months ago decided that he DID want to have a child and get married, someday. To me. ME?!?! YIKES! But, he declared that it was the idea of being a father AT ALL that scared him. Not just to my daughter, but to any child. His or not. We talked about his Friday nights. You know I had to talk about that. I told him I don't care that he goes out. I don't care that he goes out every Friday. Its when he goes out every Friday and stays out until all hours of the night without acknowledging me at all the whole night. And its that we ALLLL know that this Friday night event will take place. But what night is dedicated to just us? Or to just him and Lorelli and me? There was/is no such night. I had to find a way to let him know that THAT is what hurt. I realize we all need time with our friends. And I am way better about keeping in touch with my friends because I use FB, Twitter, my blog, texting, the phone, email, and every other possible way to communicate with all of you. He...not so much. He hates texting. He has a cell phone but would rather use it to talk on the phone. Occasionally. He has a FB, but until Saturday morning (when he read all my recent status updates) had not been on it in over a month. He doesn't have Twitter. And he doesn't email. He kinda sucks at communication in general. Which is part of our problem. So, we talked about that issue and I think (I hope) he finally understands where I am coming from.
So far, this week has been better. We have talked regularly. I saw him today when he came to get my car and have the new tires put on for me. (YAY!!!) We are supposed to have lunch tomorrow (he is off work). And I am planning my time with my friends and child without worrying about whether or not I will see him. I am basically living my life. Like he asked me to. I am looking forward to registering for school in November and going back to school in January. I am actually looking forward to getting the 2 bdrm with Lorelli's daddy (partially because I can not wait to start baking again). I am looking forward to so much and I am taking mine and Rob's relationship one moment at a time. Thanks for all your well wishes and support. You guys have been totally awesome. :-) Seriously!
PS - I am reading "Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus" and came across a line in it yesterday that really struck a chord with me. It boils down to this, "a woman that is able to talk about her problems and feels heard can suddenly change, feel better, & sustain a positive attitude," which I think explains my negative attitude the last two weeks towards him. He just didn't seem to want to or have the time to listen to me.