Love Love Love

I love my wife, my kiddo, our dog, and most of all...MY LIFE! I couldn't ask for anything more than what I already have. I get to spend time with those that love me, while doing the things that I love!!!

10.12.2009

Surreptitiously

I started this post last Wednesday, approximately 5 days ago. I am finishing it today, Monday. Oops!

That is the word of the week. It started out as the word for Monday. But I loved it so much that I have carried it over through out the entire week. :-) Its my blog, I can do what I want to, do what I want to.

So, I realize it has been approx 64586 days since my last post. Please forgive me. Please? Ok. Thanks.You guys really are great.

Things with my RH are going pretty well. He seems to have listened to my concerns/complaints and seems to have been trying harder to be more communicative and more affectionate. It is a problem that his whole family has. They just don't know how to talk to each other. They do not say I love you. They are just not emotional people. Or if they are, they are not very expressive people. I should know this. But I still have expectations that maybe, just maybe, he could change. I guess that's what's wrong with us crazy women. We always want our men to change. And they don't. And we get upset. But he is trying. And working at it. And I think he is making progress. He recently told me, "I care about you and love you more than I could ever tell you. And I am so sorry that I ever give you cause to doubt that." I think that is a huge improvement over what I usually get from him, "You know you mean a lot to me, right?" So, I will take it. He has also been working on actually EXPRESSING those verbal sentiments in actions. Which makes a girl feel good. Its nice to hear sometimes that you want me and that you think of me, but its even better to FEEL wanted. :-) I am sure that you all know what I am talking about.

In other news, I have officially lost 20 pounds. I have had to buy a belt to hold up the pants I was wearing. All my smaller clothes are in the storage unit. I will not be getting them out of storage until we move into the bigger apartment and I have my own closet and my own room, etc. Besides, my clothes are lying across the washer and dryer and the w/d are like three layers INTO the storage unit and just incredibly difficult to get to right now. I can not wait to be able to pull on AT LEAST the size 18 jeans. I know that sounds huge to most of you, but I am coming from a size 22. I have jeans all the way down to a small size 16. So, I should be set at least for another couple months. Also, as soon as we move and I am OFFICIALLY on the lease, I will have full FREE access to a gym up the street. The apartments we are in do not have a fitness center so they have a deal with the gym up the street. I can not wait. I want to go every day. And I will be taking my "gym bag" with me to work so that I am not tempted to go home and just NOT work out. It is a right turn to the gym instead of a left turn to the apartments. I can do it. I want to do it. I will do it. :-) I can not wait to get below 200 pounds. Seriously. I have not been below 200 pounds since...I don't even remember when. Maybe high school. Or shortly after that. Maybe since the back surgery when I was 20. I do not have a clue. I can not remember a time when I was not at least 200 pounds. But I am looking forward to the day that I see a 1 in front of the number on the scale instead of a 2.

I have to give a little HOORAY to the people on this journey with me. Nan, Em, Julie, & Toby I think that you guys are all incredible and I am so proud of you for pushing on. :-) If you need a cheerleader, I am here for you, just as you guys have been here for me. I appreciate all the love you guys are bestowing my way.

So, the living situation is not near as awkward as I thought it would be. Living with Lorelli's daddy has proven to be interesting. It is almost like living back at home with your own parents. He asks me how my day was. Asks me if I took my lunch. Asks me if I have heard from my RH today and how things are going in that department. I try and keep the house clean. I make dinner at night. I am quiet when we leave the house because I don't want mine and Lorelli's noise to wake him up (especially since he has given up his bedroom and he is sleeping on the pullout couch in the living room). But overall it has been nice not to pay rent. It has been nice to know that Lorelli is getting to spend some time with her daddy. It is nice to have someone say thank you for cooking dinner. It is nice to have someone help with the laundry. And mostly it is nice to be able to say, "Go ask your daddy to do..."

I rarely said, "Go ask Rob to do...." because Lorelli is not his child. Even living with my boyfriend, I still felt like a single mother because I did most everything for Lorelli. I just didn't feel right asking him to share the parenting duty. Over the last couple months of us living together I believe I had just started doing that. I would ask him to get fer a cup of milk in the morning. Or she would ask him to brush her teeth for her. Or I would ask him to keep an eye on her while I went and laid down with a migraine. And I have begun to see that maybe that was the turning point when he started freaking out. That might have been when he started to see that we were somewhat of a makeshift family and that he was slowly becoming a "parent." I can see where that would be scary. And not only a parent, but a parent of someone else's child. Then when everything with the house started to fall through, it got worse. Then you add a big promotion at work to all the aforementioned stress, and I think he just lost it. If you remember, I said he is not a very good communicator of his feelings, nor thoughts and stresses. I have always had to guess at it. I am only just now able to see the cues from several months ago. They say "hindight is 20/20."

I am super excited that AD and Lorelli and I should be moving into the 2 bedroom apartment within the next couple weeks. I am ready to have my stuff back. And my bed back. And all my clothes back. And I am BEYOND ready for my daughter to have her own space and not sleep in my room. That stuff is getting WAY old. She has not slept in my room in over 2 years. And she has been sleeping in my room that last 6 weeks. UGH! The new apartment has an office/sunroom type area that we will be making her room. She can not wait to have her "own space" as she has called it. It is all very exciting.

I guess that's all I have. I have finally updated my blog. Thanks for sticking around and checking back in on me every so often. :-) I am hoping to get my computer back very soon from Rob. He has been working on getting it fixed because the power supply went out on it. And when I get it back I should get back to my regular bloggy self.

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8 comments:

Mama4Real said...

I'm so glad things are going well for you finally:) YAY for a blog post!

iamthatmommy said...

I totally get how things changed with you and Rob when you started allowing him to be a part of yer little family. I know that when the manperson and I were together, I always wanted to do everything for the Noodle, and that after we moved in together, I started letting him do more -- and that was when our problems began. Of course, my ex is a tad (and by that I mean a lot) more douchey than your boyfriend, as we can see from the vastly different ways the two men have handled their relationships.

That said, I am glad that you are feeling good about yourself and that your relationship is going well!

AND, thirdly -- you left your socks again! Guess you'll just have to come back for more debauchery!

Heather said...

So proud of you...for all your accomplishments lately. And YOU should be too! ;)

Toby E. said...

Yay for a post!
It is hard to step in and be the parent of someone else's kid/s. As I know. It's hard to go by someone else's rules. It's a tight line. When do you make your own to have them follow? It can be scary. And like you said with all those other stresses it piles up. Then not communicating it builds on itself. It's something for you both to look at and learn. But from all you say, I think you both are! I'm proud of you both and just remember everything takes time.
And oh so so proud of you and your progress with being healthy. Weight drop is fabulous, but getting healthy is what really counts!!!

Em said...

It feels totally freaking awesome to put smaller pants on. This go 'round I'm donating all of the clothes I'm too small for. I refuse to be this big again. I will not wear them again. I'm thinking of putting together a swap on my blog. Especially for jeans and things.

Sophia's Mom said...

So great to hear about what's going on with you!
Glad to hear things are going well!

Congrats on losing 20 lbs! That is an amazing achievement!

And congrats on your new apartment :)

Debbie said...

I love the word surreptitious!
And congrats on that weight loss. Woo hoo!

Mama4Real said...

award for u @ my place!