Love Love Love

I love my wife, my kiddo, our dog, and most of all...MY LIFE! I couldn't ask for anything more than what I already have. I get to spend time with those that love me, while doing the things that I love!!!

8.26.2009

{Not So} Wordless Wednesday

Welcome to my photo day. I love sharing photos of this little one. She just keeps me laughing and smiling all day long.

She took this one herself the other day.

The child took 30 minutes to eat ONE taco. And here she was telling me that it is just too loud in the restaurant for her to eat her dinner.

"Welcome to the Gun Show." - Will Ferrell, The Anchorman

"MOmmy, Dame Besitos."

Where did these days go? Look how small and quiet and beautiful she is.

And here...they can't stay this small forever, I guess.

And - because of the drama going on with the two of us - I wanted to post some pics of me and Rob. Just to look at. And see happiness.

This is one of my fave pictures of us.

Valentine's Day at Chow Baby. Good dinner. Good conversation. Good champagne. Good company.Us. Being silly on our friend's birthday.

8.24.2009

Broken Pieces of Me

Well, I am still here in case you were wondering. (And I know that you all were. Right? *Cricket Cricket*)

I am going through some rough personal stuff right now. We are not getting the house, unfortunately. And we have decided to take a step back from one another for a while. Actually, that's a lie. He decided we should take a step backwards for a while. We are no longer going to live together. I am going to move in with my daughter's father. And he is going to go stay with some bachelor friends for a while. Whether this is a short term thing or a long term thing, is unclear yet.

I have cried. I have smiled. I have screamed. I have laughed. I have slept. And all that in the last 12 hours or so.

But seriously, my heart was/is broken a little. I want to believe what he says. I want to trust that he has let the stress of becoming a "family" and trying to buy a house and me taking a job that pays 50% less than I was making previously and his stress at work get in the way of the relationship that he wants to have with me/us. He wants us to take a step backwards so that he can miss me again. So that he can remember what it is like without me there.

I can only hope that his words and actions are true. I can only hope that this time apart will allow him the time to deal with whatever he has going on and is thinking/wondering/worrying. And that he will find his way back to the point in our relationship that he is looking for.

This time apart is good for me, also. As you may or may not know, I have MAJOR issues with marriage and commitment. As a good friend told me yesterday, "SERIOUSLY: address your fears with him." He knows what my past relationships have done to me and how hard it is for me to trust and to not hold him responsible for the actions that others have committed against me.

So, now you all know that I am ok. That I am not gone. And that I am persevering through all of this. I can only pray that what I want is also what HE wants for me.

As a side note, I have re-started my workouts after being away from them for several weeks. I had gained back 2.5 pounds and I have RE-lost that 2.5 pounds. That means, that I am at a total loss of 15 pounds, still. I will be continuing on from here and steadily losing the weight and size that I have been working on since June 15. I am still determined to become a happier healthier me. I still believe that I can and will do this. I will be updating my measurements next week, even though I doubt that they have made much improvement this month because I have not been focused on my working out. I will also be doing another weigh-in tomorrow. Here is what I am looking like right now. Not the best picture or quality - but whatever.

As another side note, I love you guys. You are so supportive. Whether it is a text, or a tweet, or a quick blog note, or a FB post, you guys have been there for me for the last couple days while I try and wade through this emotional cess pool. I really appreciate it. I have definitely felt the love and support from all of my friends. Oline or IRL. You guys rock my socks off!

8.20.2009

Break

I need a break. I think I am going to take a step back from my blog for a couple days. I have some things I need to address right now. I don't know that I will have the energy to blog. Don't think I am missing in action. Check me on Twitter if you want. I will be there.

8.18.2009

You like me, you really like me



I got a new bloggy award the other day from WorkAtHomeMommy. She likes me. She really likes me. And she likes to read the words that come spewing outta my mouth. Eewww....who just got a mental picture of that scene from Problem Child just now?!?!? YECH!!!! Anywho....

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

This actually means a lot to me. People other than my close friends and family are reading me. And being touched by my words. And being encouraged by me. And laughing at me. I mean with me. And crying with me. It is so awesome to know that others can feel my emotion through my words. I started this blog a couple years ago jus to chronicle the emotional struggles I was going through at the time. My blog has now become somewhat of my own life journal where I share the good, the bad, and the teary.

So, without further adieu...Here are my nominations for the Lovely Blog Award. I am not doing 15 because it says NEWLY discovered blogs. And I have just not been able to go forth and discover new blogs. But these ladies are amazing. Rita cracks me up. DrahDrah has been on an emotional roller coaster all her own and is doing an incredible job. Em is joining me on my weight loss journey. Bikini has been inspiring me for about a month now. And Johnina doesn't post often, but when she does I thoroughly enjoy reading it. Seventeen inspires me with her love of baking. And Bunny...man...I think her site is evil and wonderful all in one breath. I can spend hours there. :-) Check out these ladies, please. :-)

Fighting Off Frumpy
DrahDrahs Place
Love me, Love me, Say that you love me
BikiniBy30
Bottles Barbies & Boys
17AndBaking
Bunny'sWarmOven

8.14.2009

Finally....silence

So, Lorelli goes to her daddy's on the weekends. Usually I meet him somewhere in the middle of his place and mine and give him his daughter around 8 pm on a Friday night. This weekend I finagled it so that he is picking her up from the babysitter's house himself around 8 pm. That meant that I got to come home and get in a nap. Woowoo. I was supposed to go do some lingerie shopping and some drink having with a girlfriend of mine, but her husband got tickets to the baseball game and decided she would rather go watch one of THE most boring sports EVER created rather than hang out with me. That's ok. I am exhausted this week. I can not stay awake. I think its all this blood loss. There are people dying in hospitals across the world right now that have lost less blood than I am right now during this particular visit from Mother Nature. I know....more than you wanted to know...but I can't help it.

My kiddo is funny. Surely you know that by now. If you follow me on Twitter or FB or even, dare I say it, MySpace, you DEFINITELY know this. Well, this week we had to stop in at the grocery store after work to get her some new toothpaste. It was very bright outside and she asked for her "sun shades." She told me I should get mine, too. But then she realized that I already had them on. (I have progressive lenses in my glasses) She told me, "your glasses that are your sundhades are very sensible." Really? Sensible? Does she not know that she is only 3 years old? Where does a 3 year old learn how to use the word sensible correctly in a sentence? She is too much. This is only days, er maybe a week, after she told me that my friends were impossible. This kid is going to keep my hands busy for the next 15 years.

And in other news....the house closing is FINALLY.OFFICIALLY.SCHEDULED!!! Tuesday the 18th at noon Rob should begin the process of signing his life away. This is exciting news. We have been waiting for what seems like forever. And then we can begin the process of cleaning the new house. Finishing packing this house. And moving all of our shite. And then cleaning this house. This townhouse has been awesome to us. I love it. But, I can not wait to have a house all his our own.

That's all for now folks. I am outta here. We are going to go pick up the new Madden Game. Can you hear the excitement in my voice? Can you tell I am sooo ready for my boyfriend to have another game to play instead of spending time with me? GOOD!

PS - I love my boyfriend. He totally skipped out on his Friday night Boys Night and is actually home spending time with me. And my childless self (see 1st paragraph). Unfortunately, there can be no QUALITY time this evening (see last line of 1st paragraph.)

TOODLES!

8.12.2009

Wednesday's Walk - {Not So} Wordless Wednesday



This is only my 2nd week of participation in Wednesday's Walk from Lynnnette Kraft. After you read through and look through my walk down memory lane, why don't you head on over to her blog and read the memories that others are sharing this week?

Last Tuesday, I shared the story of the son that I had at 17 and gave up for adoption. I finally had the courage to dig these photos out and share them. Please forgive the quality as they are pictures OF pictures. I will tell you now that going through these photos enabled me to just breathe a little bit.


The adoptive parents holding their newborn. They were able to give him his first bottle feeding.


The newborn baby lying on a blnket my grandmother had made him.


My friends and my mother with Baby P.


Christmas time with the new family


Easter time on the blanket that my grandmother sent him

8.11.2009

I <3 Faces - “Funny, Silly Faces”



Welcome to my blog. This week's contest over at I HEART FACES was for "funny, silly faces." I thought, "Hmmmmm...does Lorelli EVER make silly faces? I just DON'T know. I mean, she is such a plain, quiet, serio....WAIT A MINUTE!!! This is Lorelli we are talking about, of course I have silly face pictures." Click the link above and head on over to check out the contest. Or click the link below to go straight to the "Funny, Silly Faces" contest and check out everyone else's silly photos.


This is a pic of Lorelli and her cousin Aahilyn while on their trip to Mexico in June.

8.10.2009

Not Me! Monday



Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It was NOT me that wrote two super sad and depressing posts two days in a row. I am a happy upbeat person. I don't let ppl see the downside. That would mean I am totally human and not superwoman as I portray.

It is NOT me that has lost...wait for it....FIFTEEN POUNDS!!!!!!! I am not the one who is eating healthy and monitoring my calories and drinking a ton of water. That brings me down to 227 for anyone that is NOT keeping track with me. Still a long ways to go, but I am definitely feeling a difference. What do you think?

May August


On that same note, it is NOT me who totally did not work out this whole last week due to a case of the aforementioned BLAHs. And it is also not me who will be doing Pilates this evening after the Walking Cardio Shape Up.

When Lorelli went peepee in her panties and then proceeded to LIE about it, it was NOT THIS MOM that popped her bottom and made her stand in timeout with NO panties on.

And while she was standing in timeout with NO panties it, I was definitely NOT searching the house hoping and praying that I could find ONE pair of panties that was still clean. And this is most assuredly NOT because I failed to do laundry yet again until the poor three year old had no more clean panties. (Luckily I DID find one pair)

Lorelli did NOT get a haircut last week that ended in her hair being about 5 inches shorter than I had planned. This is NOT because as I went to make the last snip she jerked her head backwards causing me to take a HUGE chunk of hair out. She is NOT sporting a cute new short 'doo. And she absolutely DOES NOT love it!!!!

8.05.2009

Wednesday's Walk





I do not usually participate in Lynnette's Wednesday Walk down memory lane. But today, I decided to honor my grandmother by posting some memories of her. Today marks the 3 year anniversary of her death. I was so very very close with her my entire life. By the time I was 5, I had lived with her for more than half my life. When my mother kicked me out after graduation, I went and lived with my Nanau. And when my boyfriend and I broke up after being together for 8 years and living together for 2 years, I moved back in with her. She always had a kind word and a hug. For everyone that she met. She knew how to make you feel better. She would tell me, "It only takes a minute to call me and say, Hi Nanau. I don't have time to talk, but I wanted to say I Love You." And so, oftentimes, that is exactly what I did.

I remember the day that the call came...My Nanau had been into surgery to remove a polyp on her colon. My cousin called me later that afternoon to tell me that when they cut her open to d othe surgery, they had to immediately close her back up because her whole abdominal cavity was so riddled with cancer. I felt horrible. I was in Atlanta and she was in Dallas. What was I going to do from this far away. I did exactly what anyone else would have done (I think). I bought a 300 dollar plane ticket to go home two days later to be with her. I stayed in her house. I visited her in the ICU. I talked with her about being sick. I told her I missed her. Then I told her I loved her and I missed her and I hoped she would find a way to fight through this. I stayed for almost a week before returning to Atlanta.

She stayed in the hospital. She underwent chemotherapy. She stayed at home. She got hospice care. Finally, the day before she died, my mother called me and told me that the doctors had said they didn't think she would last through the week and that I needed to come home and see my grandmother before she died. I had to tell my mother that Nanau had made me promise not to come home and see her deathly ill. She did not want me to see her that way. She wanted me to remeber her as vibrant and healthy. I promised her. I told her that if it came down to that, I would speak my goodbyes to her and I would come to her funeral and see her in Heaven. I did just that. I had my mother put the phone by my Nanau's ear and told her I would not be coming to see her because she had asked me not to. I would love her forever and would speak to her often even after she was gone. And that I wished she would let go of this life and let go of the pain.

She fought that cancer for two years before it finally beat her. She died 2 hours after I spoke with her on the phone. I was a wreck. I didn't go to work. My boyfriend and I had only been seeing each other for a month. I asked him if he could please just come over and stay the night and hold me. He did. I left two days later for Texas and the funeral. I took Lorelli with me. My two best friends went to the funeral with me. I sat in the back between them, with my 11 month daughter in my lap. I tried to walk to the front to view the body - I almost threw up - so I never made it. I didn't cry that day. I didn't cry for months. But when I finally did cry, it was overwhelming. I blogged about it. I talked about it. I cried about it.

Today, I talk to her often. I think that I wish she could see my daughter now. The above picture is one of the very few pictures I have of Nanau with my daughter. That picture was taken when Lorelli was 2 months old. After Nanau had gone through one round of chemo. I drove to Texas and back to Georgia so that my daughter could meet her family and my friends. I am so glad that I made that trip because had I not, she never would have KNOWN her great grandmother.

8.04.2009

A more somber post

You may need a tissue. I did while writing this.

Today is my first child's birthday. He is 12 years old. I had him when I was 17 years old. Right before my senior year of high school. My boyfriend and I decided to give him up for adoption so that he could live the best life possible. We knew that at 17 and 19 we would not be able to provide for him the way that we wanted to be able to provide for a child.

My godparents knew a couple that had been trying to adopt for many years. Neither one of them were able to have children. We met with them and talked with them several times and decided that yes, we thought these two people would make excellent parents to our child. They made us a video tour of their home before we made our decision. I remember that I was so delighted to see that SHE collected unicorns. I LOOOVE unicorns. I have collected them since I was very young. Then, after we informed them of our decision to have them adopt our baby, they made another video for us of their home AFTER the baby room was created. It was soooo awesome. We talked about expectations. We asked if we would be involved in any way. We didn't want to be IN THE PICTURE necessarily, but we thought it would be nice if we were kept apprised. We wanted to receive pictures occasionally. We were told that he would know he was adopted and that it would never be hidden from him. We were also told that, yes, they would be happy to send us pictures.

So much happened the summer that he was born. My parents moved to a home that would move me out of my school. A very good friend of mine died. I had to get permission from the school board to be able to register for classes even though I was technically no longer in that district. I remember attending summer drumline camp and not being able to go past the first day because I couldn't handle the heat and the standing in the heat all day.

Finally, after watching his due date come and go, the doctor told me that he was going to induce labor on August 4th. Two weeks after he was due. Everything went just like clockwork. I went in at 6. They started the Pitocin to induce the contractions at 8. I got a pain medicine around 10. Epidural at 12. And P.D.A. was born at 2 in the afternoon. My closest friends were there. My godmother, who was a nurse at the same hospital, was in the room with me. My boyfriend and my mother were in the room with me. The adoptive parents were the first people to be able to feed him. It was such an emotionally trying couple days. I chose not to breastfeed because I was scared of the pain. Not the physical pain, but the emotional and mental pain that I already felt. I don't remember much about the time in the hospital except my boyfriend and I spent as much time over the next two days with P as possible. My parents came, his parents came, I have a group photo of all my friends that came to the hospital that day. There were plenty of tears shed by all parties. It was the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life. It is a pain that was amplified so much more because it was a pain that we inflicted on ourselves. But our convictions made it so much easier to deal with this pain. We knew that we were making the right decision for both us and him. We knew that these two parents-to-be were brimming with pride and joy at the look of their newborn son. We made sure that we spent lots of time holding P and rocking him and talking to him. We told him that he did nothing wrong and that we loved him very much. We also told him that we would be there whenever/if ever he decided to make up a part of his life.

The day that we left the hospital was a very difficult day. I am told that everyone who was there and witnessed the extraordinary events of the day was in tears. A mother has a set amount of time to change her mind after the birth of her child before the adoption is final. That was a difficult thing to swallow. How would any adoptive parents feel if they were adopting a child and then told at the last moment that no, they could not ake home this beautiful joy. I imagined that to be a pain similar to a miscarriage or a stillborn child. I do not know those pains, but I imagined them to be similar. I could never do that to this wonderful couple. So, I went downstairs in the wheelchair to the front of the hospital, with baby P in my arms and my boyfriend at my side. At the front of the hospital I handed baby P over to his new parents and told them, "Take care of him for me." At that point, I was crying, his new parents were crying, my boyfriend was crying. There were tears a plenty.

I could only be consoled by acknowledging the fact that I just gave two people a chance at a family. I just gave a young child the chance to live in a happy home with two people who could give him the life that he deserved. I gave my self a chance to grow into the young adult that I had always seen myself growing into. I was able to finish high school. Still be the kid I wanted to be. Plan on attending university in another state. I do not know what kind of life I would have been able to give a child when I was a child myself. I know that there are plenty of women and children that live that very life every day. But, I did not want that for him. I did not want that for me. I wanted us both to live the best and most fulfilling life possible.

To this day, as far as I know, my child does not know that he was adopted. We have only received pictures from the adoptive parents one time. At one year old they sent us a binder with several pictures from each month of his life along with a short synopsis of his milestones. I know that he cut his teeth in the same manner that I did when I was a baby. I know that he had a yellow cake in the shape of a teddy bear with chocolate icing on it for his first birthday. I did receive two copies of his school pictures several years ago. But I was given those by my godparents, not by the birth parents. I recently asked my godmother if she thought that it would be possible to get more pictures.

I want to send P a letter. I want to tell him that he has a half sister. Scratch that, he has two half sisters. Both his father and I have a daughter. I want to ask him about his life. I want to tell him about me. I want him to know where he comes from. I want to be able to tell him that his blue eyes and blonde hair come from me. That his nose comes from his father. I may write this letter and send it to the attention of his adoptive parents. I want him to know that he is adopted. That I chose his parents very carefully. That his parents chose him. But most of all, I want him to know that there are more people out there that love him than he could ever imagine.

8.03.2009

Can I get a Whoop Whoop?

*Whoop Whoop*

I am back. I have good news. One of the ladies at my job today stopped me to ask me if I had lost weight!!!!!! She said she had been noticing in the last week or two and that she kept meaning to ask me but had not had a chance. I was so...surprised...and elated...and shocked. I know that is repetitive but that is how I felt. I didn't really think that 12 pounds (Oh yeah - I hit the 12 pound mark. I am really satisfied with my weight loss results thus far and have been able to resist weighing more than once a week.) was visible to anyone other than me. But this is a lady who only works Mondays so she does not always get a chance to see me. And when she does see me it is usually while I am sitting down in my office and she is handing me expense reports. And we all know that sitting down is not the most flattering position that we possess in our repertoire.

And now, the dreaded moment. Well, another dreaded moment in this whole daring undertaking. I have measured my body parts. I was not sure what all to measure so I measured everything that I want to change. I figured that was a good place to start. One of the inspiring women in my life right now (BikiniBy30) just posted her measurements for the month of August. She has been keeping track for four months now and has seen amazing results, even if she doesn't always "see" the proof in the pudding, or the scale, as the case may be. Listed below are y measurements. (At least, I DO have the hourglass figure we all strive for. It is just hidden in those big numbers.) So, I will do as Miss BikiniBy30 is doing and I will measure once a month.

Bust - 48"
Waist (at belly button) - 44.5"
Hips - 50"
Thigh - 24.5"
Arm - 15.75"

In other news, I cut Lorelli's hair. I think it is FAB. I started out just cutting her long bangs because they had been tickling her little nose and that is just to much to have to deal with. Then, she asked me to cut all of her hairs short like mine. I told her no. Just as I have been telling her for several months now. But, I told her I would trim her hair. I thought to myself, how hard could it be. My mother used to cut my hair in the kitchen. I remember this. I was just about finished and was pretty satisified with the results when my daughter decided to jerk her head, thus causing my hand to slip with the scissors and take a huge chunk out of her hair. Which, of course, then had to be corrected. So, my daughter's once mid back length hair is now back up to shoulder length. The good thing is that it is sooo cute and that she loves that she has short hair like mommy does just like she has always wanted. (or so she told me) Friday, we register for Ballet classes again. She is very excited to start back. She has been watching the recital over and over again and doing the WHOLE dance to both of the songs, as opposed to the very little that she did at the actual recital. I finally found a way to share the video. It is a recording of the recording. The original recording that we paid $30 for was sadly disappointing because of the bad video and audio quality, so you can imagine the recording of the dvd is worse. But Lorelli is the little girl in the top right- and you can still goot a good feel of the dance and how cute those little girls were.

video

Lorelli has also decided that she wants to do gymnastics. She informed both me and her babysitter of this fact after seeing commercials for that new tv show, Make It or Break It. She said she wants to "flip and run and jump and go on those big things, please." So, I called around to a few places and found out that gymnastics for her will cost approximately what dance costs and her daddy has agreed to pay for it. So, soon we will be enrolling my dear daughter into gymnastics. She will be a busy bee. She DID as about playing "soccer-ball" also, but I told her we should wait on that a while to see if she can handle both of these activities.